VATIC Expressions: Truth, Transparency, Transformation
Volume 1, Spring 2015 Issue. A division of Vatic Publishing®, LLC.
You Won’t Let Go of Me
by Cicely Wilson
This testimony is dedicated to passion and the call to Identity and Voice Reformation. It is best to start at childhood in order that you may see how all parts of your life relate to how your identity is formed, or the lack thereof, and how this will ultimately affect your life of wholeness.
I grew up as an only child in a very strict single parent home with my mother, who I feared greatly. Not feared like, “Oh I really respect my mother,” but feared like “I am terrified of this woman and I believe she will kill me if I mess up.” She held very high standards for me and I remember staying on punishment a lot, like for the simplest things such as not doing dishes. I was expected to be an honor roll student and I got on punishment for C’s on my report card. I was not asked for my input, feedback, or opinion about anything as it related to my life, even in my teenage years, and that was very frustrating. I was simply expected to do as I was told, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. No shade to my mom, it was the best that she knew to give me at the time and I’m sure it was intended to perfect and protect me.
Nevertheless, growing up in such an environment taught me how to lie obsessively, be sneaky, and hold all of my troubles in. I was still dealing with the effects of childhood and adolescence without feeling I had the safe space to work them out. I did not know God by this point because my family was not Christian, or even religious, but my mom became so eventually and then I was also introduced to God. So I did my dirt as a teenager like many teens do, yet the unfortunate thing was I desired a space in which I could receive help to figure it all out. The sex talk my mother had with me was, “If you bring a baby in my house, I will kill you.” I believed her, and that ended that conversation. I didn’t have that kind of support so I did the best I could on my own. I did everything, and I mean everything, besides intercourse as early as the age of 13. I began frequenting many males during my high school years because this is what I saw my mother do as an adult. I thought it was a game and meant for fun.
Living promiscuously like this continued when I became an undergraduate college student, even after I had been introduced to God, and even after receiving baptismal of the Holy Spirit. The only thing that made the difference was now, at least, I was trying to fight the temptation more. Even while still failing, I had the capacity to be convicted about my sin. Although I had that conviction and the Spirit that lived within, I was battling with age old generational curses of stubborn resistance, promiscuity, pride, self-will, rejection, and abandonment that were still vying for my soul, having not yet received any deliverance. Yet, the Lord was able to capture my attention for about two to three years at a time before the enemy began to come for his investment again. I was stuck in CYCLES.
See, all the while I was getting to know God and being set ablaze for Him, it did not make a difference because I was still so rejected that I could not conceive the love of the Father for me in a way that penetrated my entire being to the point where it would make an eternal change. I associated the love of God in the same way that I did my mother; as long as I went to church, served, and did “good” things, God would love me and I would be accepted by Him. My identity at that time was that of a soulless perfectionist who had a people pleasing, “works” mentality, and I had little to no value for myself. So with the pull of all of those demons, I kept playing with fire as I always had, just enough so I wouldn’t get “burned.” Meaning, as long as I didn’t get pregnant or catch a disease then I was okay. I began to do things that I knew were downright immoral; things that I said I would NEVER do.
I couldn’t believe how so far out I had gone; still in secret, still trying to live for God. Eventually, after I kept doing things over and over again that I told God I wouldn’t do again, I said “Forget it.” I really thought I was a lost cause. How could I keep sinning and say that I loved God? So my plan was to attempt to sabotage my life so much with sin that I could have God just to be done with me altogether. Can you imagine that the rejection in my life was so strong that I even tried to convince GOD HIMSELF to reject me? To think about it that way now it is utterly flabbergasting. The decade of my 20’s was a blur-- mixed with so much defilement, encounters with God, falling, getting back up, warring with God, myself, my mother, rejection, abandonment issues, and no love. It was exhausting. I could have been dead, raped, diseased, with child, you name it. I just wanted to be left ALONE. I had gotten to the point where my conscious had become seared with guilt and shame, and I hated myself. Nevertheless, even though I begged God to, He refused to leave me alone. He had already claimed me for Himself and Daddy decided to stick it out with me until I got it right.
My life turned a new corner when I made 30 years of age. It was the beginning of Identify formation for me as never before. With the proper Identity formation comes a new found VALUE you put on yourself as an individual, a woman, a man, a child of God, and ultimately a son of God. Within this decade of my life, God has been teaching me the significance of value and love He places on me so that I can begin to place that same value and love on myself. It has been a LONG journey for me. From a girl who was a stubborn, prideful, people pleasing perfectionist with no voice and no value, to a woman who allows herself to make mistakes, become humble and flexible, who is not deceived to believe that the needs of others are greater than my own needs that God has ordained for me, who has a voice and knows the value of her self-worth. I am 37 now and LIVING OUT this identity transformation more progressively year by year. God has enabled me to conquer many demons living in me that I NEVER thought I would be free of, and greater than that, I KNOW THE LOVE OF GOD as never before. Better yet, this love is not based on my performance but based on the truth that GOD IS LOVE. I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF TODAY. I live life in purpose and on purpose for the dedication of empowering those who lack identity and voice to embark on the discovery and boldness of WHO THEY ARE, and the courage to declare who they are not, in order that they can be the BEST VERSION of themselves EVERYDAY and in EVERY WAY!!
© 2015 Cicely V. Wilson
April 2, 2015 Brian at bedo0616@***.com said:
That fact that you had the courage to share your testimony makes me love you even more! I truly hope that this article helps uplift others regardless of the plight they are going through. You are such a wonderful example of what can happen when you have God on your side. Keep up the phenomenal growth!!
April 2, 2015 Radiance at Shauntee88@***.com said:
This is an awesome testimony sis! The lessons that we learn are priceless and really does show that everything works for the good of those that love Him. Love it! Keep doing is work! I'm excited for what He is doing in you and what you will be doing in the future! Love you! EE! :)
April 1, 2015 Venus at MsVenus27@***.com said:
Hi Cicely, thank you for your transparency. Thank God that He favors you and that he didn't let you go. Love you.